Nathan ~ the man who most changed my life

Nathan.

To say he changed my life is an understatement.

 

He shattered it and then helped me put it back together again.

It was thirty years ago tonight that Nathan came into my life and it hasn't been the same since. And I count that as a VERY good thing.

 

You see, I was single & selfish.  I had no clue I was even selfish.  My parents lived five hours away.  I had married at 20 & divorced at 22.  My brother and I had been roommates but I had just moved into an apartment on my own.  I only had myself to care for & about so it didn't seem selfish.  I worked out a couple hours every evening (body building) then I went to my favorite bar, slept, got up & went to my good paying, tolerable job; repeat.  I drank entirely too much and all the men I dated were from "my" bar. 

My life wasn't unsatisfactory to me but it was meaningless.

And then, one night, my contraceptive failed and somehow I KNEW the next day that I was pregnant.  Back then you had to wait a couple of weeks to take a pregnancy test at the doctor's office.

So I waited. 

Yep. 

Pregnant.

If you've been there or ever had a scare & thought you might be there, you know all the things that ran through my head.  Yet I knew from the onset that I would have this baby.  And that I would have to change some things in my life.

I just had no idea how many things.

Flash forward to THAT day.  The time exactly 30 years ago now when I'd been having minute-and-a-half contractions for two hours already.  My mother was there.  My best friend was there.  But no one else.  You see, when you're living a shallow life only for yourself, you find yourself very much alone in times of need. 

12 more hours of hard labor & a million expletives later, I met Nathan.  As he lay in the warming bassinet getting cleaned up, he just stared at me. 

Quietly stared. 

And that was it.

I was a goner.

I was hooked forever and, whether he knows it or not, he is still somehow holding my heart in his hand.

 

And I realized over-night how much my mother knew and what I had put her through.   I like to say her intelligence tripled that night but we all know that it was just my awareness of motherhood that changed.  You see, despite my unwitting selfishness, my parents were ALWAYS there for me. I knew that moment for the first time that I had the best parents on the planet. And that I wanted to be that kind of Mom.

Nathan and I lived with my folks until he was two and then we moved back to Dallas where I got to experience the joys & pains of single motherhood.  I remarried.  I had a beautiful daughter who also manages to hold my heart in her hand.  I divorced.  I remarried (you can read all about that story here).



But I never overcame what happened to me 30 years ago. 

Nor do I want to.

You see, Nathan was born that day.

And in addition, a mother was born.

And she is much better off than she was before - despite the fact that her heart has to live now in two different places with her children.

I thank God daily that I had my kids.

That He broke into my life and reduced (unfortunately, not removed LOL) the selfishness and replaced it with a love that I could not even fathom before.

Nathan.

My first-born.

The first "love of my life".

Happy Birthday Son.

I love you more than you could know.

Conquering Fear

In my last post, I talked about change and its best buddy, fear. Now I'd like to give you some words of encouragement about dealing with fear:

Don't wait until the fear goes away before you act -
act until the fear goes away.

Please don't think I'm being glib or unrealistic or foolish. I decided to go for it with my art but I didn't just quit my day job and risk raising my kids in a cardboard box. As a matter of fact, it was years before I could quit my full-time job, then awhile longer until I could transition my part-time jobs into contract work, and it could still be another 9 months or twelve years before I can stop doing accounting altogether.

So, what should we do with those fears?
* acknowledge them
* look closely at them
* deal with them
* move on even if the fear is still there

What I am encouraging you to do is to think it through:

1. What is my fear?
   Name it.
   - Are you afraid you'll be embarassed?  Um.  So?  Okay, THAT was glib.  But really, it's not like you're having a wardrobe malfunction onstage at the Super Bowl.  If embarrassment is your fear, then just be very careful  who you tell - or tell no one.
   - Are you afraid you'll fail?  You've heard about Thomas Edison and his 3000 attempts to find a filament.  Failing often breeds better ideas.
2. Where did this fear come from?  - Is that just me hearing mean old so-n-so again?  We often play these tapes over-and-over in our heads because some kid in third grade or a cruel teacher or, worst of all, a bad parent told us we weren't good enough or we were stupid or some other judgment based more in their problems than on anything we did.  Do we really want to give him/her/them control over our current life? 
   - Or, maybe it's your gut telling you something isn't quite right.  Then research it a little more I'm a firm believer in listening to your natural instincts.
3. Is it a valid fear?  Could this actually happen? - Am I really incompetent?  Be honest.  Shut off the tapes and evaluate the situation and your abilities, time availability, energy level, etc. 
   - What is the absolute worst thing that could happen and could I live with it? Don't exagerate either. Again, be honest.  I think you'd be surprised how much easier it is to do without material goods (not basic food & shelter, obviously) when you're doing what you love.  That's why they have to pay you more to work for jerks than to work for nice people. 
4. Can I address/resolve any valid issues/concerns?Seriously, is there really a true possiblity that you cannot find a way thru or around this obstacle given enough time or effort?  I am willing to bet you can find someone to help you in exchange for your help at something (quid pro quo makes the business world go 'round).  Maybe your ideas dovetail with someone else's.  Maybe your spouse is ready for you to finally be happy and will do anything to make your dreams come true (yay for my hubby who feels this way).
5. Make a plan. Man. This step alone is a biggie.  Jessica Howard has a time management post and her step three fits here: Make a map and keep following it. I'll just advise that you think of everything you can and then be flexible.  New things will be thrown at you.  Good things.  Bad things.  Boring things. Adjust the plan.
6. And then, to throw one more quote at you - probably one you've heard the most:

"Just Do It!" - Nike™
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The artwork today is by Sylvia Drown. I "met" Sylvia in an online art-business class where we talked a lot about facing our fears. I couldn't believe how perfectly the quote on here dovetailed with my post and I am very excited to now own this piece.

Dealing with Change

(if you read my other blog, this may be familiar to you -
however I've made a few changes based on the clarity of a little more hindsight!!)

I recently made a lot of changes in several areas of my life (downsizing, my art-business, my career, my online presence,  not to mention this new blog with all it's self exposure).  And I'm sure I'll go thru more with my art itself as well as the kind of changes I'll have no control over as I age and as my kids go further in their adult lives.

Change itself usually doesn't scare me - as you can tell by the 83 gazillion hair-styles I have had or the number of times I rearrange the furniture.  (I had another birthday last month and I want to be sure that no one will ever be able to tell how old I am because I wear a hairstyle that screams which decade I went to high school or college!!  hehe)

But the ramifications of change can be paralyzing.  Hair grows out.  Furniture can be moved back. 

But quitting your day job to pursue your passion?!?!?  Are you nuts?  What if you don't sell anything and you end up living in a cardboard box?  What if you sell so much that you can't keep up with demand?  Okay, that last one is not one that's ever crossed MY mind, but you get the idea: 

the thought of change invokes fear.

Another artist-blogger wrote about this awhile ago.  The fact that she was able to step out of her fear long enough to throw it out into the world says a lot about how much she really wants to make this change.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the Triumph over it. The brave man is not one who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepset fear is that we are powerful beyond measure...We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." - Marianne Williamson

Looking back I find it interesting that we fear change but we don't fear being stuck in careers that suck out our souls; we fear change but we don't fear being taken for granted.  We think of CHANGE as the big-bad-monster hiding under the bed and the status quo as comfortable. 

Yet if you're like me and so many others, you KNOW in your heart of hearts that this is not the life you should be living.  Your fear of change is keeping you from being your true, best self.

When I post next time, I'll write more about facing our fears.